| | Chat Thread 20: The Good, The Chat, and The Ugly |  |
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Payne
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 | Subject: Re: Chat Thread 20: The Good, The Chat, and The Ugly  Tue Oct 27, 2015 12:38 am | |
| Hope you like paragraphs. DX - Spoiler:
- Quote :
- Her hand was moist from the rain, but surprisingly warm and soothing against his chilled body. The soft fingers moved across his chest, and his lungs gave a sudden, rebellious spasm. Her hand suddenly stopped. The finger splayed wide over his wildly thumping heart. She looked up, eyes meeting his.
I would say "skin" instead of "body" in the opening sentence. I would also start the second sentence with "Those", rather than "The". "Her hand suddenly stopped" feels out of place, partially because it seems like it should be a reaction, but you made it a stand alone sentence. The other thing is the second use of "sudden", which throws off the flow. In the following sentence, "finger" should be "fingers". I might have actually tried to combine it with the previous sentence as well. - Quote :
- "This is going to hurt."
The heady rush of displaced emotions made a sudden plunge down into his stomach. Whatever she was warning about, he knew it couldn't be anything good. I'm not sure if I would refer to the emotions as "displaced". The best word might be "chaotic" or "conflicting"? I also feel like "warning" isn't the right word for the next sentence because you didn't specify a target for it. Is the warning associated with him or with the act she's about to commit? - Quote :
- And then she was pressed against him, forced her lips against his own. His protests died in his mouth, struck down by the dizzying revelation that he was being kissed by the angel. Her soft, full lips moved invitingly against his. For one moment, he forgot about the rain soaking them to the bone, the hard bark of the tree against his back, the confusing machinations of angels and witches, and even Jessie lying a few yards away.
I would rearrange the second part of the first sentence to be "her lips forced against his own." The second sentence is the most confusing to me here. He didn't actually start to make any protest. I would probably prelude to it with something like "Any protests he might have made abandoned him as all rational thought was overshadowed by the dizzying revelation that he was being kissed by the angel." - Quote :
- A white hot pain like none he'd experienced coursed suddenly through his chest, like a fiery poker scorching his flesh. He cried out in pain, but her mouth was like a vice, drowning out any noise. Her hand seemed to burn right through him. He thought he might die from the agony.
I might insert the word "ever" before "experienced" in the first sentence. I don't usually associate a vice with drowning out noise. I would probably reword this second sentence to something long the lines of "He cried out in pain, but the sound was lost within the lips smothering his own." - Quote :
- And then it was over before he'd realized it. He panted, staring wildly at Ciel as she stepped back. She pulled his shirt aside with a casual gesture, examining her work.
I would probably start the last sentence here with some sort of opening phrase, something to separate the two uses of "she" in such close proximity, as well as the actions, which would have a moment of pause between them.
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Prisma*Illya
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| | Subject: Re: Chat Thread 20: The Good, The Chat, and The Ugly Tue Oct 27, 2015 12:47 am | |
| Okay. Thanks. :0
But did the scene work for you? _________________ ~Vae Victis - The Black Lily Blooms~ | |
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Payne
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| | Subject: Re: Chat Thread 20: The Good, The Chat, and The Ugly Tue Oct 27, 2015 12:51 am | |
| overall, yes. : o
it captured fairly well the feeling of someone who wasn't entirely enthusiastic about the situation but was also somewhat entranced by it. | |
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Prisma*Illya
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| | Subject: Re: Chat Thread 20: The Good, The Chat, and The Ugly Tue Oct 27, 2015 12:52 am | |
| Okay, good.
The new version of the chapter is even better, I think, because v2 of the book has quite a few additional Ciel POV scenes and a subplot between her and Jessie. So it clearly adds an extra layer of drama to this chapter. _________________ ~Vae Victis - The Black Lily Blooms~ | |
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Payne
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| | Subject: Re: Chat Thread 20: The Good, The Chat, and The Ugly Tue Oct 27, 2015 12:56 am | |
| hmm...
I'll have to see it in context later then. | |
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Prisma*Illya
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| | Subject: Re: Chat Thread 20: The Good, The Chat, and The Ugly Tue Oct 27, 2015 12:58 am | |
| Well, I'm going to get to bed. You wrap up v1 tonight, and I'll send you v2 tomorrow.  _________________ ~Vae Victis - The Black Lily Blooms~ | |
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Shadow-Heart
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| | Subject: Re: Chat Thread 20: The Good, The Chat, and The Ugly Tue Oct 27, 2015 2:45 am | |
| - Prisma*Illya wrote:
- Well, do you think the kiss was described well? Although, it might be better to wait till you read the revised version, as I toned down a bit of the... well, hormonal-ness lol.
Actually, here's that specific exert, revised:
- Spoiler:
Her hand was moist from the rain, but surprisingly warm and soothing against his chilled body. The soft fingers moved across his chest, and his lungs gave a sudden, rebellious spasm. Her hand suddenly stopped. The finger splayed wide over his wildly thumping heart. She looked up, eyes meeting his.
"This is going to hurt."
The heady rush of displaced emotions made a sudden plunge down into his stomach. Whatever she was warning about, he knew it couldn't be anything good.
And then she was pressed against him, forced her lips against his own. His protests died in his mouth, struck down by the dizzying revelation that he was being kissed by the angel. Her soft, full lips moved invitingly against his. For one moment, he forgot about the rain soaking them to the bone, the hard bark of the tree against his back, the confusing machinations of angels and witches, and even Jessie lying a few yards away.
A white hot pain like none he'd experienced coursed suddenly through his chest, like a fiery poker scorching his flesh. He cried out in pain, but her mouth was like a vice, drowning out any noise. Her hand seemed to burn right through him. He thought he might die from the agony.
And then it was over before he'd realized it. He panted, staring wildly at Ciel as she stepped back. She pulled his shirt aside with a casual gesture, examining her work.
As a guy, I thought you could give me insight on balancing the obviously varied emotions in this sort of scenario. You're being assaulted and intimidated, but you're also being kissed by a beautiful girl. And if this was a musical or something, maybe a dream sequence would come up next. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RiSfTyrvJlg ... maybe this one too.. or not.. I just found the melody to be good : ) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YD2YtMJXd8s | |
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Prisma*Illya
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| | Subject: Re: Chat Thread 20: The Good, The Chat, and The Ugly Tue Oct 27, 2015 8:09 am | |
| Uh... no lol. _________________ ~Vae Victis - The Black Lily Blooms~ | |
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Shadow-Heart
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| | Subject: Re: Chat Thread 20: The Good, The Chat, and The Ugly Tue Oct 27, 2015 9:45 am | |
| aww no cheesy scene to wash away all the seriousness :< he did just get somewhat stabbed in the chest.. if I got that right :> It's the mind's way of coping with the pain : D He kissed an angel and he liked it   dada dada dumm Now he's doped and he loves it shikka-shikka shikka  | |
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Prisma*Illya
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| | Subject: Re: Chat Thread 20: The Good, The Chat, and The Ugly Tue Oct 27, 2015 10:12 am | |
| She didn't stab him. She burned her handprint onto him to transfer some of her angelic essence. _________________ ~Vae Victis - The Black Lily Blooms~ | |
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Shadow-Heart
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| | Subject: Re: Chat Thread 20: The Good, The Chat, and The Ugly Tue Oct 27, 2015 10:22 am | |
| ... that's a let down :/
I thought she reached through his body to touch his heart or something.. like internal healing or as you said, inject her essence and upon retracting her hand out of his body, the wound would heal instantly.. due to angelic power influence :0
so if this was animated... will there be lots of bright light and or smoke covering the scene : D | |
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Prisma*Illya
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| | Subject: Re: Chat Thread 20: The Good, The Chat, and The Ugly Tue Oct 27, 2015 10:37 am | |
| Well, yes. Her Glory, or essence, penetrates inside. Later, he describes it as feeling a warmth beating close to his heart.
There would be lots of light, yes. _________________ ~Vae Victis - The Black Lily Blooms~ | |
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Shadow-Heart
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| | Subject: Re: Chat Thread 20: The Good, The Chat, and The Ugly Tue Oct 27, 2015 2:17 pm | |
| Ah that's different, I was imagining the hand itself penetrating inside for direct access to a persons ... soul ? .. can't seem to remember where I saw such a thing :S Maybe it was death or a reaper.. reaping in this way, ... oh yeah it were those Leviathan dudes who killed angels in that fashion... I think.. my memories all fuzzy now :/
Well then, will have to wait for the director cut bluray print to see the scene as intended XD | |
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Prisma*Illya
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| | Subject: Re: Chat Thread 20: The Good, The Chat, and The Ugly Tue Oct 27, 2015 3:18 pm | |
| Well, Supernatural has shown souls and grace being pulled out and pushed in.
You can read the book if you want. More beta readers means more feedback. Hopefully, you're a fast reader, cause I'd like to get quick responses if I need to make more edits. _________________ ~Vae Victis - The Black Lily Blooms~ | |
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Prisma*Illya
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| | Subject: Re: Chat Thread 20: The Good, The Chat, and The Ugly Tue Oct 27, 2015 4:12 pm | |
| Hey, Payne, did you finish last night? _________________ ~Vae Victis - The Black Lily Blooms~ | |
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Payne
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| | Subject: Re: Chat Thread 20: The Good, The Chat, and The Ugly Tue Oct 27, 2015 4:43 pm | |
| no, but I finished just now. : o | |
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Prisma*Illya
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| | Subject: Re: Chat Thread 20: The Good, The Chat, and The Ugly Tue Oct 27, 2015 4:47 pm | |
| Yay. All right, I'll send v2 when I get back. Any thoughts in the meantime? They might get fixed in v2 anyway, but I might as well ask. _________________ ~Vae Victis - The Black Lily Blooms~ | |
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Shadow-Heart
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| | Subject: Re: Chat Thread 20: The Good, The Chat, and The Ugly Tue Oct 27, 2015 4:59 pm | |
| I can read but my nature make me like mostly whatever I read.. I'm not the type to find faults in people so my review would be.. wow that was a good read.. keep it up  and that would be an honest review  | |
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Prisma*Illya
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| | Subject: Re: Chat Thread 20: The Good, The Chat, and The Ugly Tue Oct 27, 2015 5:02 pm | |
| That's okay. Hearing what I've done right instead of what I've done wrong would be a refreshing change of pace lol. _________________ ~Vae Victis - The Black Lily Blooms~ | |
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Shadow-Heart
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| | Subject: Re: Chat Thread 20: The Good, The Chat, and The Ugly Tue Oct 27, 2015 5:05 pm | |
| is this the same story about the witch hunters that you were thinking off making an RP out off.. or that was something else ? | |
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Prisma*Illya
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| | Subject: Re: Chat Thread 20: The Good, The Chat, and The Ugly Tue Oct 27, 2015 5:07 pm | |
| Well, there are witches and witch hunters, but no. It's a different story. _________________ ~Vae Victis - The Black Lily Blooms~ | |
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Payne
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| | Subject: Re: Chat Thread 20: The Good, The Chat, and The Ugly Tue Oct 27, 2015 5:09 pm | |
| - Prisma*Illya wrote:
- Yay.
All right, I'll send v2 when I get back. Any thoughts in the meantime? They might get fixed in v2 anyway, but I might as well ask. Nothing too specific. I was a bit thrown off by the epilogue though. It felt more like a prologue to another story, rather than an epilogue to the one I just finished. | |
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Shadow-Heart
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| | Subject: Re: Chat Thread 20: The Good, The Chat, and The Ugly Tue Oct 27, 2015 5:12 pm | |
| ah no worries, coming from you, both will be great. just keep some character deaths in the later books or some tear jerking moments  | |
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Prisma*Illya
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| | Subject: Re: Chat Thread 20: The Good, The Chat, and The Ugly Tue Oct 27, 2015 5:14 pm | |
| I see...  Well, I'll wait till v2 then, I guess. Well, it's basically a teaser for book 2. Plenty of both in basically all books lol. _________________ ~Vae Victis - The Black Lily Blooms~ | |
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Prisma*Illya
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| | Subject: Re: Chat Thread 20: The Good, The Chat, and The Ugly Tue Oct 27, 2015 6:22 pm | |
| Where did everyone go? >.> _________________ ~Vae Victis - The Black Lily Blooms~ | |
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