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| | ----Aegis---- | |
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Spiriter Amateur Author
Posts : 3421 Join date : 2013-09-25 Age : 27 Location : Project Hell
| Subject: ----Aegis---- Sat Nov 01, 2014 6:20 pm | |
| _____________________________________ - Prologue:
Winds blew strong and hard on a cliff, a dense forest several meters below. Perched at the edge of the cliff stood a semi-large black and grey, worn-down mansion that felt devoid of any life. A thick fog covered the whole of the cliff, and part of the forest that lead to it, completely undaunted, even by the harsh winds.
A single young man walked out of the forest leading to the mansion, he wore a long leather colored coat, a pure white shirt underneath. Black pants with the legs slightly rolled up so they didn't cover his feet, leather hiking boots, and a hat on his head, the same color as his coat. One hand holding his hat, his short golden hair blowing with the wind, his almost glowing golden eyes straight on the mansion before him, as if the fog did not matter, a bright smile on his face, not a single sign of fatigue from the long trip it would take to get to such a remote location.
He walked up to the large door to the mansion, which looked like it could very well lead to the home of the devil himself. He had not a hint of fear on his face. Rather, he seemed to be beaming, as if in anticipation. The shifting of shadows could be seen from the windows as he looks over the house, before grabbing the cold metal of the door knocker.
He knocked once.
Nothing.
Twice.
Sounds of whispering could be heard from within.
On the third knock, a booming, somewhat hissing voice burst out.
"WHY DO YOU COME HERE. WHY DO YOU NOT COWER, YE OF LIVING FLESH!?"
A calm reply flowed from his lips, as natural as if answering the question of a less than intelligent friend.
"I'm here to meet your Queen. A refusal will not be accepted of course~"
He then proceeded to grab the door's handle, and smash open the door, breaking the lock, but leaving the hinges and door itself perfectly intact, then casually waltz in. The whispers got louder, a bit more frantic.
As the whispers settled a minute after, the voice resounded once more, as if from the mansion itself.
"YOU MAY MEET THE QUEEN, LIVING ONE. MAY YOU JOIN US SOON."
A single hall of the mansion, previously devoid of light, blazed to life. The largest hall, the one right in from of the entrance, was lit by black flames, which granted strange illumination. The young man with golden hair that shined even in the black light walked forward with no reservation.
He walked through the seemingly unending hall for a long time, the whispers his only company. He did not question, his expression did not change, he simply walked with a happy smile. What ever horrors lay in this place seemed to be of no consequence to him. As if he were going to meet an old friend. Or maybe, to meet a new one.
He eventually came to a large, grandiose doorway. This doorway, unlike the entrance, was terrifying, and beautiful at the same time. It was truly quite a sight. Any normal person would have stopped to both gape in terror and awe, and rethink even setting foot within this cursed place.
The young man however, continued forward, not stopping to even look at the sight before him. The doors burst open before he got close enough to touch them, seemingly afraid they'd suffer the same fate as the doors of the entrance. The room within was bathed with nothing but pure darkness.
"Hello, Your Highness. I have been anticipating meeting you for quite a while now."
The young man stated to a figure sitting on a vaguely visible throne at the very back of the pitch black room. The only reason the throne being at all visible was due to the large window right above it, which let in the tiniest bit of light through the dark fog.
He continued with a beaming smile, and a slight bow, his hat in his right hand, as if a magician about to announce the beginning of a grand trick.
"I have a proposition I'm sure will delight you, Your Highness."
The figure in the dark seemed to shift, the metallic sound of chains echoing throughout the room.
"A proposition? One that I would take delight in? I have not known joy in centuries. Let us hear what it is that a foolish child thinks could possibly bring me delight. Quickly, before I decide to let the lesser ones indulge themselves."
Came a cold, weary, yet youthful sounding female voice. It was a voice that, as impossible as it may sound, would put someone at ease, as well as strike terror to their soul at the same time.
The young man seemed undaunted however, and rose from his bow, to continue with this mysterious proposal.
"It is quite simple Your Highness. In exchange for your aid, I shall release from your curse, you an-"
"IMPOSSIBLE. If that is all that you had to say, I shall allow the lesser ones to have their new food source"
The whispers became louder, excited. The young man, however, had no changes in his expression.
"But it is quite possible, Your Highness. I am also afraid feeding on me would be... bad, for your kind."
A barely visible hand seemed to be raised, and the whispers quieted down.
"Very well. I have all the time in the world. Let us hear what you have to say before we end you. Before you join us."
The young man seemed pleased, his sincere smile widened.
"Thank you Your Highness. Then I shall explain how I can release you from your curse."
"The curse of the Vampires, originati-"
"I do not need to know the origin of this wretched curse. On with it!"
The Vampire Queen's voice commanded, impatiently.
"I apologize. Then continuing on. The curse operates by forcibly ripping the life force of the body away, and forcibly binding the soul to the body, and locking the body in time, which is why the Vampires wounds immediately heal, because time for the body reverses to the point in time when it was first cursed. Also explaining the permanent bite marks on Vampires napes."
"....."
While not visible to any, the Queen actually had quite the surprised face. She was never aware of exactly HOW the curse worked. Just what it entailed.
"T-then why do we lust for the blood of the living?"
She squeaked out, completely different from her cold and composed usual tone. So different in fact, that the whispers themselves seemed confused and shocked.
The young man's smile widened once again.
"Yes, I was just getting to that."
"As the body is still 'alive' it still feels the need for life force. As the only way to obtain any amount of life force that it sees is the blood of the living, it hungers for it. However, as the life force is quickly ripped away by the curse, the Vampires hunger eternally. The reason Vampires bodies perish in the sunlight is because the sunlight carries a much larger amount of raw life energy than blood. Similar to the reaction of an unfit, obese person would have to sudden, intense exercise, multiplied by a few times, the Vampires, whose bodies are completely unused to the life energy, are unable to sustain the onslaught of the life energy and disintegrate. The curse itself is unable to sustain against the onslaught, and cannot reverse the body's time to allow it to regenerate. It instead then binds the soul to the earth."
The whispers were completely silent. The Queen was completely silent. The only sound, the sound of the wind roaring outside, clashing against the walls of the mansion. A minute passed. Two. The Queen snapped out of her trance-like state.
".....The Vampires who were... Destroyed... Do you mean their souls are... still bound to this land...?"
"Those that were ended by the sun's light are, certainly still bound to this world, wandering aimlessly. Some are even present within this home of yours."
"......"
The Queen was silent for another moment. Within the darkness, she was biting her lip.
"Then how would you, Living One, remove this curse of ours?"
The young man, whose face had turned deadly serious whilst he explained, became a wide smile once again.
"It is simple, Your Highness. I will infuse your bodies with Life Energy. Life Energy in it's rawest form. The Life Energy from the sun has light and fire energy mixed within, and is not completely pure. However, completely raw, pure Life Energy will perfectly be absorbed into your bodies, your flesh, and eliminate the curse, restoring you to life."
"......That... how would you-"
A golden energy escaped out of the tip of the young man's finger, as if some kind of thick liquid, the glowing golden energy illuminated the room. A girl with long silver hair, and a pure black dress, which looked like it might have originally been white, sat on an incredibly large silver throne. The girl looked to be around 12 years old, with a completely stupefied expression. Her arms and legs were chained to the throne.
"H-how..."
"Not important at this moment, no? Do you accept my proposal?"
"....."
"Yes."
"Alright then."
The accumulated golden energy that was floating at the center of the room shot at the Vampire Queen, and, as it approached her, the whispers grew louder and louder, evolving into screaming in concern for their queen.
Then, the golden energy struck her forehead, and began spreading throughout her body. Her pale white skin became vibrant and smooth. Her ghostly white hair became a shining silver. Her dull blue eyes regained their former energetic gleam. The shackles that kept her chained to the throne shattered and turned to dust, and her body rose into the air. A bright flash blinded all that were watching.
As they regained their sight. Every being that was watching saw a young woman on her hands and knees in the middle of the room. As she raised her head, there was a very obvious resemblance to the doll-like girl that used to sit chained to a lonely throne. She sat up a fleshed her fingers, then stood up and looked herself over.
"I figured you wouldn't very much enjoy being in the body of a little girl after all this time"
The young man said with his sincere smile as he tilted his head. The room was now lit by the light of dawn. The winds had stopped roaring. The unnatural fog, which was held in place by the Vampire Queen dissipated. The Queen- or rather, the former Queen of the Vampires gave out a genuinely happy smile for the first time in centuries. They stayed smiling at each other for several minutes.
"and now for the rest of you!"
The young man broke the silence with an energetic yell.
- Chapter 1 - The Boy of Black:
-17 Years Prior- His golden cape fluttered in the wind as he stood out on the balcony of his castle, waving to the masses. The spoken-of masses were packed into the small city square that faced the balcony upon which stood a man is pure white armour strangely made of ceramics. The armour was adorned gloriously by intricate designs of the same color as his cape, obviously made for royalty. The people didn't seem happy. Their clothes looked impoverished. Their faces were sagging, and, for the most part, lifeless. Strange, as this was the day of a great event in the capital city of a great empire. A mage from the outside had blended into the procession, in attempt to get a closer look at the one known as the Tyrant King. The mage was a spy of the empire's, or more accurately, the Tyrant King's enemies. He was sent to obtain information on the Tyrant King's current level of power and state of being. He had needed to get close to use an Analytic Mage's signature ability, a simple ability anyone could use really, but only an Analytic Mage could use it to it's fullest, as they had extensive training in it's use, on the man. The events for this day being the perfect opportunity to do just that. The spell simply called "Informant". It was a spell painstakingly created by- no, now is not the time for a history lesson. Simply put, the spell analyses and calculates features of a target with pre-set measures, and then returns that information to the caster in the form of a window only visible to them self, that carries the person's "class" a general measure of how much power they possess, their name, physical age, and "Title", which is assigned by the spell itself, according to the target's traits and personality. It also includes the nature, or natures, of a person's ability, when an Analytic Mage, or someone else that happens to be highly proficient in it's use are the operators. The mage had cast this spell a small time prior, the spell took some time before it would finish calculations and analysis of a target. Luckily for him, it seems the Tyrant King either did not think spies would get into his domain, or simply did not care, and put himself on display for all to see, as he did not have any warding magic active. The window then popped in front of his face, transparent enough to allow him to see through it, and only visible to himself, as it should be. | Name: Ulric Asgreyas | Rank: Arch-Meister
| Title: Tyrant King | Age: 31
| Nature: Black Paladin, Arch-Mage | There was, involuntary be it, obvious shock on the man's face as he quickly retreated into the shadows, and proceeded to rush his way out of the city. Two pieces of information that made him run as if his rear was being bathed in flames. The first, was that Ulric's age had barely changed since the last time someone had managed to analyze him with Informant, 20 years ago. The second, and more important, his Nature of Black Paladin. Black Paladins are bad. Bad enough that it'd cause a seasoned spy to lose his composure. ************** There was a village within the Empire's borders, nestled in the middle of three mountains, and surrounded by dense forest. It remained peaceful, just outside the Empire's terrible grip. Within this large village, which, honestly was more like a town, housed over 300 inhabitants. One boy however, managed to be different from all the rest. Whereas the rest had colourful eyes and hair, his hair was raven black, and his eyes were dark as night. Not to be mistaken though, both the boy's parent's were residents, neither with similar hair or eye color. His mother had silvery-white hair, and golden eyes, while his father had green eyes and brown hair. He did, however, bear a distinct resemblance to both, such that none could deny he bore their blood. This boy also possessed nigh non-existent Mana Reserves. It was hoped that his reserves would grow as he matured, as was the case with all people. However, his Mana Reserves did not grow at all in his seven years of life. This essentially meant he was a cripple, as the lack the ability to use magic, in any or all forms, in this world where everyone possessed at least some degree of proficiency in it's use, was akin to missing a limb. He of course, did, have some small amount of mana. It was simply that this amount was so little, that he could barely even hold a fireball the size of a ping-pong ball lit for more than a few seconds. His near lack of mana, and his black features, led the rest of the children to call him "Void Boy" or "Blacky" and also to slight bullying, as much as children of age seven to ten were capable of. The boy however, held no animosity for anyone. To the contrary, he was actually actually quite attached to all of the people he knew, from the bullies, to the teachers, the residents who called the village home, and especially his parents. He had no one he could call a friend however, and spent much of his time alone, not that he seemed to mind. ************** "Erebus...." A young boy lay in bed, sleeping seemingly without a care. "Erebus...!" The strange sound of crackling could be heard coming from somewhere. The boy shifted in his sleep. "EREBUS!" The boy jolted upright in bed, his eyes bursting open, as he surveyed the room with his tiny black eyes in shock. The boy's name was Erebus Noir. He was only seven years old, and, he was completely alone that room. He seemed not shocked by the lack of anyone there. Instead, what bothered him, was the distinct smell of something burning. "So you finally noticed, you sloth." That same voice that woke him spoke in an annoyed tone. "Something's burning, and it's not in the house. Wherever this smell is coming from, the fire must be huge." The voice spoke with all urgency. This prompted young Erebus to finally bolt out of bed. He first rushed to his parents room, to see if they might know what is happening. He found the inside vacant. It might have been vacant all night. The room was cold, no sign of having been slept in that night. A cold chill ran down his spine, as he rushed back to his room and changed, before rushing out the door. The boy saw smoke, rising from all around the village. There was not a soul in sight. There was only black smoke, and the embers of flame rising in the distance. He, as any other child would, entered a state of panic. Like a moth drawn to a flame, he took off towards the black smoke. ************** The village was under attack. There were hordes of Empire soldiers flocking all around, attempting to invade the formerly peaceful little town. However, the people, far from expectations, were not being one-sidedly slaughtered, but rather, they were holding out quite well. Considering they were fighting trained soldiers, This was quite an impressive feat. "Impressive." The voice spoke, as Erebus stood stunned at the sight that awaited him on the outskirts of the village. It was a sight of pure carnage. Empire soldiers, with a strange, unnatural fire in their eyes, charged at armed villagers, who pushed them back with great displays of skill and power. Yet, every time they fell, the soldiers simply got back up as if nothing happened, despite the grievous wounds that were obvious on their bodies. The Villagers seemed to be tiring, as if the battle had been going on for hours, yet the soldiers showed no sign of backing down. Some soldiers didn't even look like they were of the living any longer. The shocked Erebus was grabbed from behind. He was quickly spirited from the battlefield before he got his bearings. When he realized, he was inside a small hut. He was faced with a teacher from the village's school. To be precise, he was the one that taught physical techniques, that enhanced the body with Mana to achieve powerful and destructive results barehanded. His nature was Monk, and he wore garments that complimented his nature, complete with a bald head and large beads. "Erebus.... Did any of the other children wake?" Erebus still hadn't collected his wits. He stared at the large, well muscled man like a cornered rat before squeaking out an answer. "N-no.... I don't think so...." "Then I thank the heavens none of the other children have to see this gruesome sight. I pray the village will still stand by the time they wake..... or they shall never do so again." The words of the Monk slowly sank in, but Erebus couldn't entirely comprehend it. "He means all their lives will be claimed by those horrors fighting outside." The voice casually filled void in the boy's understanding. It finally dawned on him what was happening. Those horrors were attacking the village, and should they get past the first and only line of defense it had, then all would be lost, and the village would be reduced to a flaming wasteland. His eyes started tearing up. Fear gripped his heart. Before he could speak, he felt a sharp pain to his abdomen, and his consciousness faded.
- Chapter 2:
Were you guys supposed to get what's been going on? Probably not~
I did say the first few might be episodic. Once the story finally starts moving, you guys will start being able to piece things together~ ________________________
-10 years after attack on village-
[One month southwest of the empire, Theoria Kingdom]
The sound of metal striking metal, the sound of blade against blade, the sound of flesh and steel being rend asunder was prevalent in the air. The metallic smell of blood, and the petrifying sight of guts and gore all around. Scenes of men fighting to their last, like the brave men of legends, to only be trampled and forgotten by history, as far as the eye could see.
Slowly, but surely, the sounds began to die down. Soon, there was naught but silence on this field of blood and death. There stood a young man covered in wounds and bathed in blood, his brown hair so dark it could be mistaken for black, and similar eyes, unwavering in the face of certain, unavoidable death. Before him stood a man, tall and regal, clothed in the fine robes of a noble, with long black hair with a blood-red tint. He wore an ornate, beautiful sword on his hip, with a golden hilt, that looked like it belonged on display. His most defining feature were the small crimson horns that poked out of his forehead.
The horned man and the young warrior stood alone within a field so full of bloodied corpses that even the ground was not visible. Corpses, some of which were so mutilated it looked as if they were tortured to death.
The horned man sneered at the boy, as if gloating at his assured victory. He took regal strides over the corpses of friend and for alike, making sure to stomp, and break anything he stepped on, seeming to enjoy desecrating the many masses of dead, which had piled up due only to himself.
The man, who maintained his regality as he strode closer, stopped three steps before the boy, the put his hands on his treasure sword. Pulling it out leisurely, as if for a simple game, he pointed it towards the blood-clad boy. He was sure it was his complete victory, as he proceeded to draw near, to deal the final blow.
******************************
[South-Eastern border of the Empire, border village Toen]
A child with hair as dark as a raven's feathers, his eyes as dark as the night sky itself walked into the quaint little village of Toen. He wore a black coat with a long back, which fluttered behind him as he walked, seemingly lost in some deep thought, as he took soundless steps forward.
"Boy! What brings 'ye to a place like this? And so late at night? Wouldn't think 'ye'd 'ave any business I such a small backwater village, what with them fancy clothes 'ye've got on"
The boy abruptly stopped his strides at the sound of the voice. He lifted his head, seeming to suddenly realized something. He stood still as a statue for about a full minute before he faced the man that just spoke to him, who also kept silent due to the aura the boy was giving off at that moment.
"I'm sorry, I lost myself for a bit there...."
The boy stated, his tone highly apologetic. He then finally took a look at the stranger that he somehow seemed to have ended up in a conversation with. He was a large, well-muscled man, with a bald head. He wore what was the standard attire for a blacksmith, though he had no hammer. His most defining feature however, was that his head had what seemed to be a large burn-scar on the top, starting from where his hair-line should have been, down back to where his head met his neck. The scar did not stretch down on the sides of his head, and was shaped like a flame. The boy could not help but stare.
The man broke into a hearty laugh upon noticing the body staring.
"Hahahahaha! I see you noticed my head! quite a story behind it. Since I doubt you'll be able to find lodging this late, You're welcome to stay at my place. I'm sure the wife'll like that too!"
The boy flinched upon being called out for staring, but then quickly regained his composure.
"Th-Thanks you sir! It seems I got lost and somehow ended up here this late..."
The man put a hand on the child's back and walked him to the smithy. The kid seemed to be the quiet type, and seemed to wear his emotions on his sleeve. How and why a young one like this was travelling on his own was beyond him, but he thought it a blessing that he happened upon him first. He did not wish to imagine what might have happened had it been another.
"Child, my name is Egan Strong. What might be yours?"
He asked in good nature, to the boy who seemed to innocent he didn't even seem to think twice about following a stranger home.
".......My name, is Erebus Noir."
******************************
The Horned Noble was shocked, as hes blade, which swung forth at inhuman speed was met with equal, or even greater speed and strength by the bloodied boy. Before he could even get his bearings, the boy rained blow after blow without a single second wasted between. As the bewildered man was pushed further and further back, barely managing to meet the child's blows, his panic causing him to be less and less able to fend the boy off with each strike of steel on steel.
Eventually, the boy struck away the Horned Noble's blade, sending it flying far across the battlefield, sending it much farther than a human should ever be capable of. The Horned Noble fell back, landing on the bloodied ground littered with corpses, soiling his rich and flowing robes with blood and gore. The boy was unyielding, and struck the man down before he could even register his face. The last thing he was a blood-covered young man, whose face he never could discern.
However, that, and that alone was what he regretted, for it would mean he would not be able to get his revenge. After all, he was a Demon. He would simply need to find a suitable host to rise again....
It was then that he noticed something amiss. He felt like his existence itself was being ripped apart. He looked in horror down to where he was stabbed, right through his chest. Right through his heart.
His blood chilled. He was not bleeding. No, rather there was a growing hole in his chest. His body itself was disappearing. The hole was growing and expanding across his whole body. It dawned on him then. This was truly where he'd die.
The demon then, let out an inhuman, bloodcurdling scream, as his torso entirely disappeared, and his head and limbs fell towards the soiled earth. They never reached. The turned to nothing before they could meet the ground's embrace.
The boy stabbed his sword into the ground, and stood proud and tall. He wore a triumphant expression on his bloodied face, the sun up high illuminating his lone figure. Yet something was amiss. His figure, it was missing a small part of itself. With tears flowing from his eyes, and a grin on his face, the boy, as the demon before him, faded to nothing. That was the price he paid for the power to kill the demon. His existence.
Last edited by Spiriter on Sat Jan 24, 2015 2:55 pm; edited 16 times in total | |
| | | Prisma*Illya Paramount Pagemaster
Posts : 34034 Join date : 2013-07-11 Age : 33 Location : The Unreachable Utopia
| Subject: Re: ----Aegis---- Sat Nov 01, 2014 7:15 pm | |
| Well, that was certainly interesting. You definitely have the "hook" aspect to catch readers. A sudden entrance with a lot of bravado gets the attention. But I think you could probably afford to slow down a bit and give a little more description.
Also, I'm not really sure I got the idea here behind this "cure." Apparently, the life energy from the sun is enough to fry them, but this even more powerful life energy doesn't? It just removes vampirism from the body like leeching poison? _________________ ~The Ruin of Camelot~ | |
| | | Spiriter Amateur Author
Posts : 3421 Join date : 2013-09-25 Age : 27 Location : Project Hell
| Subject: Re: ----Aegis---- Sun Nov 02, 2014 4:21 am | |
| - Prisma*Illya wrote:
- Well, that was certainly interesting. You definitely have the "hook" aspect to catch readers. A sudden entrance with a lot of bravado gets the attention. But I think you could probably afford to slow down a bit and give a little more description.
Also, I'm not really sure I got the idea here behind this "cure." Apparently, the life energy from the sun is enough to fry them, but this even more powerful life energy doesn't? It just removes vampirism from the body like leeching poison? He DID mention the Life Energy from the sun also contains Light and Heat energy, which means the Life Energy from it isn't completely raw or pure. The stuff he used was in it's purest form, in which anything could safely absorb. and Vampirism here is a Curse. Curses don't interact well with completely pure life energy. As for giving little description, that was completely on purpose~ | |
| | | Prisma*Illya Paramount Pagemaster
Posts : 34034 Join date : 2013-07-11 Age : 33 Location : The Unreachable Utopia
| Subject: Re: ----Aegis---- Sun Nov 02, 2014 11:27 am | |
| Okay, so it literally just is so pure it burns away the curse. Hmm.
When I mean description, I didn't necessarily mean giving the guy's backstory or anything like that. No need to info dump. I meant more the descriptions of his surroundings or his physical actions. _________________ ~The Ruin of Camelot~ | |
| | | Spiriter Amateur Author
Posts : 3421 Join date : 2013-09-25 Age : 27 Location : Project Hell
| Subject: Re: ----Aegis---- Sun Nov 02, 2014 1:21 pm | |
| - Prisma*Illya wrote:
- Okay, so it literally just is so pure it burns away the curse. Hmm.
When I mean description, I didn't necessarily mean giving the guy's backstory or anything like that. No need to info dump. I meant more the descriptions of his surroundings or his physical actions. I wanted to keep this as short and vague as possible so, yea. Anyway, it's only a prologue. As for what he was doing, he was literally just standing there. The only actions he did do other than that, I wrote in there, like the bow and stuff.You wouldn't exactly be shifting around and stuff in front of royalty, no? | |
| | | Prisma*Illya Paramount Pagemaster
Posts : 34034 Join date : 2013-07-11 Age : 33 Location : The Unreachable Utopia
| Subject: Re: ----Aegis---- Sun Nov 02, 2014 1:42 pm | |
| No, but you might narrow your eyes or smile or fold your arms or something. Well, she may be "royal" but it doesn't seem like he's much for protocol anyway.
Anyway, just nitpicks. I'll be interested to see more. _________________ ~The Ruin of Camelot~ | |
| | | Spiriter Amateur Author
Posts : 3421 Join date : 2013-09-25 Age : 27 Location : Project Hell
| Subject: Re: ----Aegis---- Sun Nov 02, 2014 1:56 pm | |
| - Prisma*Illya wrote:
- No, but you might narrow your eyes or smile or fold your arms or something. Well, she may be "royal" but it doesn't seem like he's much for protocol anyway.
Anyway, just nitpicks. I'll be interested to see more. He's not much for giving away anything but a huge-ass smile. He'd act the same regardless the person. You'll probably only get some episodic stuff first before anything develops, so don't expect any answers any time soon :P It'll also explain how the Life Energy purged the Curse too, later. | |
| | | Prisma*Illya Paramount Pagemaster
Posts : 34034 Join date : 2013-07-11 Age : 33 Location : The Unreachable Utopia
| Subject: Re: ----Aegis---- Sun Nov 02, 2014 2:04 pm | |
| That's fine. You can't serve it all at once. Keep people hungry for more. :0 _________________ ~The Ruin of Camelot~ | |
| | | Spiriter Amateur Author
Posts : 3421 Join date : 2013-09-25 Age : 27 Location : Project Hell
| Subject: Re: ----Aegis---- Sun Nov 02, 2014 3:11 pm | |
| - Prisma*Illya wrote:
- That's fine. You can't serve it all at once. Keep people hungry for more. :0
I plan to starve the people and have them beg for more O: | |
| | | Prisma*Illya Paramount Pagemaster
Posts : 34034 Join date : 2013-07-11 Age : 33 Location : The Unreachable Utopia
| Subject: Re: ----Aegis---- Sun Nov 02, 2014 3:55 pm | |
| Well, don't hold back too much or they'll get tired of waiting. You have to give them just enough bread crumbs to keep following for more. _________________ ~The Ruin of Camelot~ | |
| | | Spiriter Amateur Author
Posts : 3421 Join date : 2013-09-25 Age : 27 Location : Project Hell
| Subject: Re: ----Aegis---- Mon Nov 03, 2014 7:56 am | |
| - Prisma*Illya wrote:
- Well, don't hold back too much or they'll get tired of waiting. You have to give them just enough bread crumbs to keep following for more.
Exactly. Readers tend to eat things up and speculate all across the yellowbrick road to ridiculously far-fetched places. I know exactly how much to give to keep them starving yet still needing more..... | |
| | | Prisma*Illya Paramount Pagemaster
Posts : 34034 Join date : 2013-07-11 Age : 33 Location : The Unreachable Utopia
| Subject: Re: ----Aegis---- Mon Nov 03, 2014 11:02 am | |
| A bold claim, but congrats if it's true. I'll have toput mmy own story up soon. _________________ ~The Ruin of Camelot~ | |
| | | Spiriter Amateur Author
Posts : 3421 Join date : 2013-09-25 Age : 27 Location : Project Hell
| Subject: Re: ----Aegis---- Thu Nov 06, 2014 9:26 am | |
| - Chapter 1 - The Boy of Black[Writing in Progress]:
-17 Years Prior- His golden cape fluttered in the wind as he stood out on the balcony of his castle, waving to the masses. The spoken-of masses were packed into the small city square that faced the balcony upon which stood a man is pure white armour strangely made of ceramics. The armour was adorned gloriously by intricate designs of the same color as his cape, obviously made for royalty. The people didn't seem happy. Their clothes looked impoverished. Their faces were sagging, and, for the most part, lifeless. Strange, as this was the day of a great event in the capital city of a great empire. A mage from the outside had blended into the procession, in attempt to get a closer look at the one known as the Tyrant King. The mage was a spy of the empire's, or more accurately, the Tyrant King's enemies. He was sent to obtain information on the Tyrant King's current level of power and state of being. He had needed to get close to use an Analytic Mage's signature ability, a simple ability anyone could use really, but only an Analytic Mage could use it to it's fullest, as they had extensive training in it's use, on the man. The events for this day being the perfect opportunity to do just that. The spell simply called "Informant". It was a spell painstakingly created by- no, now is not the time for a history lesson. Simply put, the spell analyses and calculates features of a target with pre-set measures, and then returns that information to the caster in the form of a window only visible to them self, that carries the person's "class" a general measure of how much power they possess, their name, physical age, and "Title", which is assigned by the spell itself, according to the target's traits and personality. It also includes the nature, or natures, of a person's ability, when an Analytic Mage, or someone else that happens to be highly proficient in it's use are the operators. The mage had cast this spell a small time prior, the spell took some time before it would finish calculations and analysis of a target. Luckily for him, it seems the Tyrant King either did not think spies would get into his domain, or simply did not care, and put himself on display for all to see, as he did not have any warding magic active. The window then popped in front of his face, transparent enough to allow him to see through it, and only visible to himself, as it should be. | Name: Ulric Asgreyas | Rank: Arch-Meister
| Title: Tyrant King | Age: 31
| Nature: Black Paladin, Arch-Mage | There was, involuntary be it, obvious shock on the man's face as he quickly retreated into the shadows, and proceeded to rush his way out of the city. Two pieces of information that made him run as if his rear was being bathed in flames. The first, was that Ulric's age had barely changed since the last time someone had managed to analyze him with Informant, 20 years ago. The second, and more important, his Nature of Black Paladin. Black Paladins are bad. Bad enough that it'd cause a seasoned spy to lose his composure. ************** There was a village within the Empire's borders, nestled in the middle of three mountains, and surrounded by dense forest. It remained peaceful, just outside the Empire's terrible grip. Within this large village, which, honestly was more like a town, housed over 300 inhabitants. One boy however, managed to be different from all the rest. Whereas the rest had colourful eyes and hair, his hair was raven black, and his eyes were dark as night. Not to be mistaken though, both the boy's parent's were residents, neither with similar hair or eye color. His mother had silvery-white hair, and golden eyes, while his father had green eyes and brown hair. He did, however, bear a distinct resemblance to both, such that none could deny he bore their blood. This boy also possessed nigh non-existent Mana Reserves. It was hoped that his reserves would grow as he matured, as was the case with all people. However, his Mana Reserves did not grow at all in his seven years of life. This essentially meant he was a cripple, as the lack the ability to use magic, in any or all forms, in this world where everyone possessed at least some degree of proficiency in it's use, was akin to missing a limb. He of course, did, have some small amount of mana. It was simply that this amount was so little, that he could barely even hold a fireball the size of a ping-pong ball lit for more than a few seconds. His near lack of mana, and his black features, led the rest of the children to call him "Void Boy" or "Blacky" and also to slight bullying, as much as children of age seven to ten were capable of. The boy however, held no animosity for anyone. To the contrary, he was actually actually quite attached to all of the people he knew, from the bullies, to the teachers, the residents who called the village home, and especially his parents. He had no one he could call a friend however, and spent much of his time alone, not that he seemed to mind. ************** "Erebus...." A young boy lay in bed, sleeping seemingly without a care. "Erebus...!" The strange sound of crackling could be heard coming from somewhere. The boy shifted in his sleep. "EREBUS!" The boy jolted upright in bed, his eyes bursting open, as he surveyed the room with his tiny black eyes in shock. The boy's name was Erebus Noir. He was only seven years old, and, he was completely alone that room. He seemed not shocked by the lack of anyone there. Instead, what bothered him, was the distinct smell of something burning. "So you finally noticed, you sloth." That same voice that woke him spoke in an annoyed tone. "Something's burning, and it's not in the house. Wherever this smell is coming from, the fire must be huge." The voice spoke with all urgency. This prompted young Erebus to finally bolt out of bed. He first rushed to his parents room, to see if they might know what is happening. He found the inside vacant. It might have been vacant all night. The room was cold, no sign of having been slept in that night. A cold chill ran down his spine, as he rushed back to his room and changed, before rushing out the door. The boy saw smoke, rising from all around the village. There was not a soul in sight. There was only black smoke, and the embers of flame rising in the distance. He, as any other child would, entered a state of panic. Like a moth drawn to a flame, he took off towards the black smoke. ************** The village was under attack. There were hordes of Empire soldiers flocking all around, attempting to invade the formerly peaceful little town. However, the people, far from expectations, were not being one-sidedly slaughtered, but rather, they were holding out quite well. Considering they were fighting trained soldiers, This was quite an impressive feat. "Impressive." The voice spoke, as Erebus stood stunned at the sight that awaited him on the outskirts of the village. It was a sight of pure carnage. Empire soldiers, with a strange, unnatural fire in their eyes, charged at armed villagers, who pushed them back with great displays of skill and power. Yet, every time they fell, the soldiers simply got back up as if nothing happened, despite the grievous wounds that were obvious on their bodies. The Villagers seemed to be tiring, as if the battle had been going on for hours, yet the soldiers showed no sign of backing down. Some soldiers didn't even look like they were of the living any longer. The shocked Erebus was grabbed from behind. He was quickly spirited from the battlefield before he got his bearings. When he realized, he was inside a small hut. He was faced with a teacher from the village's school. To be precise, he was the one that taught physical techniques, that enhanced the body with Mana to achieve powerful and destructive results barehanded. His nature was Monk, and he wore garments that complimented his nature, complete with a bald head and large beads. "Erebus.... Did any of the other children wake?" Erebus still hadn't collected his wits. He stared at the large, well muscled man like a cornered rat before squeaking out an answer. "N-no.... I don't think so...." "Then I thank the heavens none of the other children have to see this gruesome sight. I pray the village will still stand by the time they wake..... or they shall never do so again." The words of the Monk slowly sank in, but Erebus couldn't entirely comprehend it. "He means all their lives will be claimed by those horrors fighting outside." The voice casually filled void in the boy's understanding. It finally dawned on him what was happening. Those horrors were attacking the village, and should they get past the first and only line of defense it had, then all would be lost, and the village would be reduced to a flaming wasteland. His eyes started tearing up. Fear gripped his heart. Before he could speak, he felt a sharp pain to his abdomen, and his consciousness faded.
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| | | Prisma*Illya Paramount Pagemaster
Posts : 34034 Join date : 2013-07-11 Age : 33 Location : The Unreachable Utopia
| Subject: Re: ----Aegis---- Sun Nov 09, 2014 2:59 pm | |
| Chapter was interesting. I think the magic explanation at the beginning was... well, rather clunky, to be honest. And I'm kind of puzzled as to why magic would display information like some kind of information form. _________________ ~The Ruin of Camelot~ | |
| | | Spiriter Amateur Author
Posts : 3421 Join date : 2013-09-25 Age : 27 Location : Project Hell
| Subject: Re: ----Aegis---- Sun Nov 09, 2014 3:21 pm | |
| - Prisma*Illya wrote:
- Chapter was interesting. I think the magic explanation at the beginning was... well, rather clunky, to be honest. And I'm kind of puzzled as to why magic would display information like some kind of information form.
It's just how Analytic Magic works I could make a magic guide thing if 'ya want. | |
| | | Prisma*Illya Paramount Pagemaster
Posts : 34034 Join date : 2013-07-11 Age : 33 Location : The Unreachable Utopia
| Subject: Re: ----Aegis---- Sun Nov 09, 2014 3:26 pm | |
| No, it's not that. I mean, you have to find a way to weave the explanation more fluidly into the text. It's kind of jarring, especially when you make it seem like there's a third-person narrator trying to explain it to you and then change his mind. _________________ ~The Ruin of Camelot~ | |
| | | Spiriter Amateur Author
Posts : 3421 Join date : 2013-09-25 Age : 27 Location : Project Hell
| Subject: Re: ----Aegis---- Sun Nov 09, 2014 3:30 pm | |
| - Prisma*Illya wrote:
- No, it's not that. I mean, you have to find a way to weave the explanation more fluidly into the text. It's kind of jarring, especially when you make it seem like there's a third-person narrator trying to explain it to you and then change his mind.
Hmm... I'll have to work on that. Any suggestions? | |
| | | Prisma*Illya Paramount Pagemaster
Posts : 34034 Join date : 2013-07-11 Age : 33 Location : The Unreachable Utopia
| Subject: Re: ----Aegis---- Sun Nov 09, 2014 3:48 pm | |
| Hmm... well, integrating the casting, the explanation, and the result within the same bit of description. Something like:
One man stood in the crowd, gazing up at the imperious figure of the Tyrant King. His lips moved almost soundlessly, finishing the last verses of the lengthy spell he had begun some hours ago. As he did so, information began to stream into his mind, knowledge which did not belong to him. Name, age, height, build...
Age? What was this?
It didn't seem possible. At this time, the Tyrant King should have been well over fifty. Yet now, his body appeared to be the same age as it had been the last time they had spied on him. _________________ ~The Ruin of Camelot~ | |
| | | Spiriter Amateur Author
Posts : 3421 Join date : 2013-09-25 Age : 27 Location : Project Hell
| Subject: Re: ----Aegis---- Sun Nov 09, 2014 3:53 pm | |
| This might be a good time to mention there is no "Incantation" system... Thought some do mutter one from force of habit, as a remnant from their training days.
Magic here works by "sacrificing" mana(or any other applicable substance, blood, memory, life energy, etc etc) to achieve extraordinary feats such as creating and controlling flames, manipulating nature, etc.
But yes, that sounds much better, I'll work on incorporating it. | |
| | | Prisma*Illya Paramount Pagemaster
Posts : 34034 Join date : 2013-07-11 Age : 33 Location : The Unreachable Utopia
| Subject: Re: ----Aegis---- Sun Nov 09, 2014 3:58 pm | |
| Well, you get the idea. _________________ ~The Ruin of Camelot~ | |
| | | Spiriter Amateur Author
Posts : 3421 Join date : 2013-09-25 Age : 27 Location : Project Hell
| Subject: Re: ----Aegis---- Sun Nov 09, 2014 3:59 pm | |
| - Prisma*Illya wrote:
- Well, you get the idea.
*was just taking the chance to explain a bit of the system* | |
| | | Prisma*Illya Paramount Pagemaster
Posts : 34034 Join date : 2013-07-11 Age : 33 Location : The Unreachable Utopia
| Subject: Re: ----Aegis---- Sun Nov 09, 2014 4:03 pm | |
| Well, remember for when you're writing that you should never be "explaining" to the reader. Only describe. Even when you're trying to show how magic or something works, always try to bring that about through description or an action or even dialogue (as long as it doesn't come across as an info dump). _________________ ~The Ruin of Camelot~ | |
| | | Spiriter Amateur Author
Posts : 3421 Join date : 2013-09-25 Age : 27 Location : Project Hell
| Subject: Re: ----Aegis---- Sun Nov 09, 2014 4:39 pm | |
| - Prisma*Illya wrote:
- Well, remember for when you're writing that you should never be "explaining" to the reader. Only describe. Even when you're trying to show how magic or something works, always try to bring that about through description or an action or even dialogue (as long as it doesn't come across as an info dump).
Noted. It felt a bit cluttered to me too really. | |
| | | Prisma*Illya Paramount Pagemaster
Posts : 34034 Join date : 2013-07-11 Age : 33 Location : The Unreachable Utopia
| Subject: Re: ----Aegis---- Sun Nov 09, 2014 5:44 pm | |
| Good. :0 If you can spot it, that's saying something. _________________ ~The Ruin of Camelot~ | |
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