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 ----Aegis----

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PostSubject: ----Aegis----   Sat Nov 01, 2014 6:20 pm

_____________________________________


Prologue:
 
Chapter 1 - The Boy of Black:
 
Chapter 2:
 


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PostSubject: Re: ----Aegis----   Sat Nov 01, 2014 7:15 pm

Well, that was certainly interesting. You definitely have the "hook" aspect to catch readers. A sudden entrance with a lot of bravado gets the attention. But I think you could probably afford to slow down a bit and give a little more description.

Also, I'm not really sure I got the idea here behind this "cure." Apparently, the life energy from the sun is enough to fry them, but this even more powerful life energy doesn't? It just removes vampirism from the body like leeching poison?

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PostSubject: Re: ----Aegis----   Sun Nov 02, 2014 4:21 am

Prisma*Illya wrote:
Well, that was certainly interesting. You definitely have the "hook" aspect to catch readers. A sudden entrance with a lot of bravado gets the attention. But I think you could probably afford to slow down a bit and give a little more description.

Also, I'm not really sure I got the idea here behind this "cure." Apparently, the life energy from the sun is enough to fry them, but this even more powerful life energy doesn't? It just removes vampirism from the body like leeching poison?

He DID mention the Life Energy from the sun also contains Light and Heat energy, which means the Life Energy from it isn't completely raw or pure. The stuff he used was in it's purest form, in which anything could safely absorb.

and Vampirism here is a Curse. Curses don't interact well with completely pure life energy.

As for giving little description, that was completely on purpose~
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PostSubject: Re: ----Aegis----   Sun Nov 02, 2014 11:27 am

Okay, so it literally just is so pure it burns away the curse. Hmm.

When I mean description, I didn't necessarily mean giving the guy's backstory or anything like that. No need to info dump. I meant more the descriptions of his surroundings or his physical actions.

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PostSubject: Re: ----Aegis----   Sun Nov 02, 2014 1:21 pm

Prisma*Illya wrote:
Okay, so it literally just is so pure it burns away the curse. Hmm.

When I mean description, I didn't necessarily mean giving the guy's backstory or anything like that. No need to info dump. I meant more the descriptions of his surroundings or his physical actions.

I wanted to keep this as short and vague as possible so, yea. Anyway, it's only a prologue. As for what he was doing, he was literally just standing there. The only actions he did do other than that, I wrote in there, like the bow and stuff.You wouldn't exactly be shifting around and stuff in front of royalty, no?
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PostSubject: Re: ----Aegis----   Sun Nov 02, 2014 1:42 pm

No, but you might narrow your eyes or smile or fold your arms or something. Well, she may be "royal" but it doesn't seem like he's much for protocol anyway.

Anyway, just nitpicks. I'll be interested to see more.

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PostSubject: Re: ----Aegis----   Sun Nov 02, 2014 1:56 pm

Prisma*Illya wrote:
No, but you might narrow your eyes or smile or fold your arms or something. Well, she may be "royal" but it doesn't seem like he's much for protocol anyway.

Anyway, just nitpicks. I'll be interested to see more.

He's not much for giving away anything but a huge-ass smile. He'd act the same regardless the person.

You'll probably only get some episodic stuff first before anything develops, so don't expect any answers any time soon :P

It'll also explain how the Life Energy purged the Curse too, later.
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PostSubject: Re: ----Aegis----   Sun Nov 02, 2014 2:04 pm

That's fine. You can't serve it all at once. Keep people hungry for more. :0

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PostSubject: Re: ----Aegis----   Sun Nov 02, 2014 3:11 pm

Prisma*Illya wrote:
That's fine. You can't serve it all at once. Keep people hungry for more. :0

I plan to starve the people and have them beg for more O:
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PostSubject: Re: ----Aegis----   Sun Nov 02, 2014 3:55 pm

Well, don't hold back too much or they'll get tired of waiting. You have to give them just enough bread crumbs to keep following for more.

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PostSubject: Re: ----Aegis----   Mon Nov 03, 2014 7:56 am

Prisma*Illya wrote:
Well, don't hold back too much or they'll get tired of waiting. You have to give them just enough bread crumbs to keep following for more.

Exactly. Readers tend to eat things up and speculate all across the yellowbrick road to ridiculously far-fetched places. I know exactly how much to give to keep them starving yet still needing more.....
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PostSubject: Re: ----Aegis----   Mon Nov 03, 2014 11:02 am

A bold claim, but congrats if it's true. I'll have toput mmy own story up soon.

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PostSubject: Re: ----Aegis----   Thu Nov 06, 2014 9:26 am

Chapter 1 - The Boy of Black[Writing in Progress]:
 
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PostSubject: Re: ----Aegis----   Sun Nov 09, 2014 2:59 pm

Chapter was interesting. I think the magic explanation at the beginning was... well, rather clunky, to be honest. And I'm kind of puzzled as to why magic would display information like some kind of information form.

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PostSubject: Re: ----Aegis----   Sun Nov 09, 2014 3:21 pm

Prisma*Illya wrote:
Chapter was interesting. I think the magic explanation at the beginning was... well, rather clunky, to be honest. And I'm kind of puzzled as to why magic would display information like some kind of information form.

It's just how Analytic Magic works

I could make a magic guide thing if 'ya want.
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PostSubject: Re: ----Aegis----   Sun Nov 09, 2014 3:26 pm

No, it's not that. I mean, you have to find a way to weave the explanation more fluidly into the text. It's kind of jarring, especially when you make it seem like there's a third-person narrator trying to explain it to you and then change his mind.

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PostSubject: Re: ----Aegis----   Sun Nov 09, 2014 3:30 pm

Prisma*Illya wrote:
No, it's not that. I mean, you have to find a way to weave the explanation more fluidly into the text. It's kind of jarring, especially when you make it seem like there's a third-person narrator trying to explain it to you and then change his mind.

Hmm... I'll have to work on that. Any suggestions?
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PostSubject: Re: ----Aegis----   Sun Nov 09, 2014 3:48 pm

Hmm... well, integrating the casting, the explanation, and the result within the same bit of description. Something like:

One man stood in the crowd, gazing up at the imperious figure of the Tyrant King. His lips moved almost soundlessly, finishing the last verses of the lengthy spell he had begun some hours ago. As he did so, information began to stream into his mind, knowledge which did not belong to him. Name, age, height, build...

Age? What was this?

It didn't seem possible. At this time, the Tyrant King should have been well over fifty. Yet now, his body appeared to be the same age as it had been the last time they had spied on him.

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PostSubject: Re: ----Aegis----   Sun Nov 09, 2014 3:53 pm

This might be a good time to mention there is no "Incantation" system... Thought some do mutter one from force of habit, as a remnant from their training days.

Magic here works by "sacrificing" mana(or any other applicable substance, blood, memory, life energy, etc etc) to achieve extraordinary feats such as creating and controlling flames, manipulating nature, etc.

But yes, that sounds much better, I'll work on incorporating it.
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PostSubject: Re: ----Aegis----   Sun Nov 09, 2014 3:58 pm

Well, you get the idea.

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PostSubject: Re: ----Aegis----   Sun Nov 09, 2014 3:59 pm

Prisma*Illya wrote:
Well, you get the idea.

*was just taking the chance to explain a bit of the system*
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PostSubject: Re: ----Aegis----   Sun Nov 09, 2014 4:03 pm

Well, remember for when you're writing that you should never be "explaining" to the reader. Only describe. Even when you're trying to show how magic or something works, always try to bring that about through description or an action or even dialogue (as long as it doesn't come across as an info dump).

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PostSubject: Re: ----Aegis----   Sun Nov 09, 2014 4:39 pm

Prisma*Illya wrote:
Well, remember for when you're writing that you should never be "explaining" to the reader. Only describe. Even when you're trying to show how magic or something works, always try to bring that about through description or an action or even dialogue (as long as it doesn't come across as an info dump).

Noted. It felt a bit cluttered to me too really.
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PostSubject: Re: ----Aegis----   Sun Nov 09, 2014 5:44 pm

Good. :0 If you can spot it, that's saying something.

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